PSEUDO v.s. SOLID SELF

Murray Bowen, an American psychiatrist, was among the pioneers of family therapy and founders of systemic therapy. Beginning in the 1950s, he developed a systems theory of the family. His large contribution was the idea of differentiation from other people. Bowen describes a differentiated self as a Solid Self, and a fused self as a Pseudo Self.

The Solid Self knows what it needs and desires, while the Pseudo Self reacts to those around it. The Solid Self is non-negotiable with others and is composed of an individual’s firmest convictions and most integral beliefs.

The Pseudo Self consists of others’ opinions absorbed as one’s own without any conscious commitment to the beliefs underlying the opinions absorbed. As a person becomes more differentiated, the importance of hard-core self increases and the influence of Pseudo Self correspondingly decreases.

In an unhealthy relationship, two Pseudo Selves come together and fuse into each other, one person losing and the other person gaining self. This is when you lose yourself in another person. It happens often. It might have happened to you. You meet someone, fall in love, or in lust. You spend every minute together, because you think that’s what loving someone looks like. You start thinking like him or her, like things that they like, compromising or ignoring your own likes and wants.

Gradually your life starts to revolve around the relationship/your partner. Then one day, you wake up and don’t know who you are anymore. You’ve lost yourself. You’ve traded your awareness of self for the comfort you find in your partner.

Your container is cracked.

The Solid Self, however, maintains its individuality and does not merge. The Solid Self has beliefs, opinions, convictions, and life principles. The Pseudo Self is a product of emotional pressure. The Solid is not. The picture society has painted of romantic love is pseudo based. The idea of “the one” and everlasting love can distort our lenses into believing something is healthy when it’s not.

The powerful feeling dysfunction and co-dependence produces can be mistaken for “soul mates.” Some of the most powerful relationships we’ve been in have also likely been the unhealthiest. Healthy love is two Solid Selves coming together. The path to the Solid Self begins with transparency.

People with weak transparency muscles live within a Pseudo Self. This is a false version of you. It seeks other people’s approval and validation. You live in Pseudo Self because it gives you a sense of security. It allows you to hide and live in disguise. But most importantly, the Pseudo Self straps a muzzle on your gifts.

By gifts, I don’t necessarily mean talents. I mean what makes you different from any other person on the planet. In screenwriting, they say what’s most important is your voice. Everyone has a story to tell, but it’s your voice that makes your script stand out from the rest. For example, Quentin Tarantino has a very strong voice. It comes out in his dialogue and his non-linear way of storytelling. Being your Solid Self gives you a voice.

“A writer should have this little voice inside of you saying, tell the truth. Reveal a few secrets here.” - Quentin Tarantino

A good way to remember Pseudo versus Solid is false versus true. Pseudo is false. Solid is true. Everyone has a true and false version of themselves. Many times, where we pull from depends on our environment and who we’re around. For example, if we’re surrounded by people we want to impress, we tend to project an idea of what we believe they are looking for or attracted to.

Our dial is turned on Take instead of Give. We are seeking something from them: attention, validation, approval. In order to turn that dial back to Give, we must pull from our truth. We must be transparent in voice and self. This adds solidity. What we are giving is our true self. Everything false clouds the picture of our true self.

Transparency cuts through the clouds. What most people don’t understand is that being transparent and pulling from our truth is not just a choice. It’s a practice. Growth is not a diet. It is a lifestyle. This means we must live it daily.

It’s difficult to listen to our truth. We’re not used to doing it. We’re afraid of rejection and what others may think. But the thing is, we’re all afraid. If we weren’t, we wouldn’t be human.

We’re afraid of failure, rejection, public speaking, death—the list goes on and on. And we can work on those fears and probably will for the rest of our lives. But if we are afraid of ourselves–– afraid to be ourselves––we create a prison. And in this prison, we are not able to share our unique gifts. We are not giving.

We are taking. And since life is about giving, we are not living. You must shatter the fear of being your true self or you’ll snap back every time you stretch. Of course, this is a process. It takes time. But you must make a decision to start the process, and hold onto it knowing what’s at stake: your potential. As a friend, brother, sister, husband, wife, teacher, mother, daughter, father, son, leader, visionary––everything you do. Everything you are. But everything you are isn’t about you.

That’s how you break through your fears. Your truth isn’t about you. It’s about the world experiencing your potential. Your truth is greater than you. The other part of this is ability and habit. Many of us have spent our lives putting others before us. This knee-jerk reaction has prevented our ability to even know what our truth is. Without this ability, we disappear.

We become grayed out like an app that’s stuck updating. We must learn to discover our truth. Finding our truth is uncomfortable. It means we have to listen to ourselves. We talk to ourselves a lot but rarely do we listen. So what does listening to our truth look like? It means to not only be aware of our truth but stand on it. There is action involved. Play out what is honest to you. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

And if fear creeps in, remember it’s not about you. It’s greater. Many people around you will resist your truth because they’re not used to that version of you. You’ll be changing the dynamic of all your relationships. Some may even expire because of this. This is what people call outgrowing others. But you have to hold on and push through, or you’ll always be living someone else’s life and not yours. And the world will not experience the true you.

The people who fall off are preventing your growth, so let them go. And the people who accept you and your truth are valuable since they will be sharpening you.

The Pseudo versus the Solid Self was a primary theme in the movie Fight Club.

If you haven’t seen Fight Club, I’ll tell you about it. (Spoiler alert.) The film is ultimately about inner conflict. We find out at the end that Edward Norton’s character and Brad Pitt’s character are the same person.

Who do you think is the Pseudo Self and who do you think is the Solid Self? When I ask my class this, most people say the Edward Norton character is Solid and Brad Pitt is Pseudo. They say this because they think Brad Pitt is the “bad” guy or antagonist.

But the truth is that Brad is the Solid Self and Edward is the Pseudo Self. Edward Norton is lonely and lost. He hates his job. He can’t sleep. He feels disconnected with the world. He’s just going through the motions of life like a walking zombie.

Then he meets Brad Pitt. Brad challenges him, his fears, and his thinking. Edward begins to change through their interaction. He finds his voice and becomes a leader. Edward Norton goes from Pseudo Self to Solid Self.

Or, simply put, he goes from false to true.

Because without truth, nothing can be built.